


now i'm as free as birds catching the wind

by voidblossom



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Sex, KIND of canon, Kind of a fix it fic, Light Angst, Non-Judging Breakfast Club, Some Lily Bashing, Unhealthy Relationships, not dan humphrey friendly, weird timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 22:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidblossom/pseuds/voidblossom
Summary: Serena leaves and well, it's always supposed to have been Nate.





	now i'm as free as birds catching the wind

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Malibu by Miley Cyrus.

_"But, you're back now."_

_"I didn't come back for you."_

* * *

 

Her - _their_ \- bed is always cold now. Dan spends most of his nights in the living room, falling asleep with his laptop half off his lap. Some nights Serena will go into the living room and shut the laptop, throw a blanket over him and kiss his forehead. Most nights she lays in bed twirling her wedding bed and staring at pictures of her friends on her phone. 

They had called themselves the non-judging breakfast club. Blair had promised they would be friends forever. They would all stay in touch. But that had been before Dan had revealed himself as Gossip Girl and Serena thinks Blair has never really forgiven him for all that he did to them. On the bad nights, the nights where Dan sneaks out in the middle of the night thinking she's asleep, Serena thinks she hasn't really forgiven him either. 

They still see each other, Blair and Chuck have a son who Serena is the god-mother of. She can't skip out on his birthday parties even if she feels a tightening in her chest whenever Dan pulls her close and whispers, _"When are we having one?"_

 _Never._ She thinks. 

 _"Soon."_ She laughs nervously. She doesn't tell him she hasn't gotten her IUD removed. That she doesn't plan on it anytime soon. They've been married two and half years now and Dan has brought up children every time they visit Henry. So, Serena doesn't visit often. It makes her feel awful. Missing valuable time with her godson. Lying to Dan. Not seeing her best friends.

She locks her phone, the lock screen is a picture of the four of them at their graduation. Ridiculous, happy smiles on their faces. One of the only times they had ever been truly excited during their teenage years. 

She listens to the front door as it closes. Debates on texting Dan, _I hear you._

_You're not subtle._

_I want a divorce._

She never does. Always puts her phone on the nightstand, shuts the light off and wills herself to fall asleep. 

* * *

 

He spends most of his week in Washington D.C, but she knows he comes back to New York some weekends. She's not sure why (a selfish part of her thinks _, for you. He's always waited for you._ ) It's probably to check up on the magazine. Maybe charm some other New York politicians. They rarely see each other when he's there. Dan is usually around on those weekends, Serena thinks it's some sick jealously thing. He's always been jealous of Nate.

( _"Even if I end up with Dan, a part of me will always love Nate."_ )

He's pressing kisses to her neck, one hand trailing up her stomach towards her breast, "I love you." He whispers into her ear, pressing a kiss their too.

She kisses him in return, he smiles, thinking it's an  _I love you too._ It's not, it's a way to shut him up. So she doesn't have to lie to him about one more thing. She doesn't think she could handle telling him she loved him. 

On these nights, when Dan and she have sex, she'll close her eyes tight and imagine him. He was always her best. Her first. Her favorite. She feels immense guilt afterward. Feels as guilty as she did the night they lost their virginity to one another. Except this time, it's not Blair she's hurting, it's herself. 

* * *

 

Her favorite book is _A_   _Doll's House,_ she finds herself in Nora. Dan doesn't speak to her like a child, but she understands the feeling of being looked down upon by the man you thought you were in love with. 

A prize. Nora knows what she is to her husband. He mentions it all time in his patronizing speeches. 

Serena has read the play so many times her two copies are covered in notes and highlights. She thinks of the speeches she's gotten from Dan.

_("You're every bit as shallow and sad as the character in my book.")_

Dan finds one of her copies one day, laying open on the coffee table, "Did you pick this up from a recycle bookstore?" He laughs. "It has tons of notes in it." He flips through the second act, "Good notes. Where did you find this?" 

She laughs hollowly, he would never think of her as anything more than a prize. "Eric gave it to me." She lies. She wonders if every time she and Dan go to an event he revels in her being on his arm. A fuck you to the Upper East Side for ever assuming a Brooklyn boy couldn't get the world. 

_("You..You loved me?)_

_("Of course, I did.")_

She cries. She clutches the blue button up around her so tight she may tear apart the seems. It's the only thing she has left of his. It had been buried so deep in her closest she assumes Nate had thought it was just lost. She cries and she clutches the shirt before she stands up. She looks in the bathroom mirror. Her eyes are puffy, cheeks tear-stained and red. 

"I am Serena van der Woodsen." She says as strongly as she can, which is still weak and cracked from her crying. "I want a divorce." She practices. Again and again and again. Until her voice is raw and she starts to believe she'll have the courage to say it. 

* * *

She wonders if he has the same number. 

( _"I want a divorce." Her voice is shaky, but it's loud and it's clear._

_He stares at her, anger flaring in his eyes before he controls it into nothing. "Why?"_

_"We don't love each other, Dan. Not anymore."_

_He wraps his hands around her wrists, "We can fix-"_

_"I want a divorce." She forces him away from her. Takes a step back and steals her eyes. He nods. "You can leave then."_ ) 

She wasn't mad at him for kicking her out. It had been his apartment. His first piece of reality on the Upper East Side. She doesn't think she could live there anyway. Too many bad memories of crying herself to sleep and destructive thoughts. 

Serena knows she could stay with Chuck and Blair. They would welcome her with open arms, "I always hated him," Blair would probably murmur into her hair. Chuck would probably offer to beat him up, or some cliche brother thing to make Serena laugh. It would be easier. Simpler. 

She calls the number instead. 

"Hello?" His voice is clear as day. The same boyish charm to it. 

"Nate?" She questions, nervously. She had changed numbers plenty of times. She had always sent a text to him and Blair and Chuck. She wonders if he ever saved her new numbers. It didn't sound like it. 

 _This was a mistake._ She thinks.  _Too late._

"Serena." His voice is shocked. "Serena. Hi." 

She giggles. The same innocent, nervous giggle she always had with Nate. "Hi." 

"Is everything okay?" He asks, she hears a voice in the background. A soft, _"Nate?"_ Her lungs constrict and she can't breathe when he muffles the speaker and calls, _"One second, babe."_

"Sorry. Is everything-"

"Everything is fine." She cuts him off, "I just, was wondering when you were gonna be in New York. I wanted to plan a lunch or something with the four of us. I haven't seen all of you in forever."

Nate laughs, "Oh. I'm coming next weekend. I'm free Sunday if that works?" He sounds hesitant like he doesn't believe that's the reason she called. 

"Yeah! I'll talk to Chuck and Blair and let you know!" She tries to pitch her voice so it sounds exciting. "I gotta go."

"Sere-" She hangs up, stuffing her cell phone into her back pocket before sitting down on the bench outside her - _Dan's_ \- building. 

Had she really expected Nate to wait for her? They weren't in high school anymore. He wasn't some sixteen year old who longed for something he couldn't have. 

( _"You are the one thing Nate has always wanted and could never have."_ )

_He can have me._

Serena shuts her eyes and takes deep breaths.

_He could have always had me._

* * *

 

She doesn't tell them why she's there, but they probably know. 

She's wearing Nate's button up and a pair of leggings. Her hair is in a messy braid and she knows she has mascara around her eyes. 

Blair tells Chuck to get a bath running and has Dorota set up the guest room while leading Serena to the kitchen. She sits Serena on a barstool and pulls out glass for water. She doesn't say anything. Doesn't ask why Serena is there at 10:30 PM on a Wednesday night. Just offers her the glass and waits with her until Chuck says the bath is ready. Serena sits in the hot water, soaking for what feels like hours.

When water has cooled down enough she dunks her head under and doesn't come up until her throat is burning. She comes up with a gasp and then she's heaving. She's taking in as much air as she can, almost a selfish amount. 

_(Selfish. You've always been selfish. With Nate. With Blair. With Dan.)_

She gets out of the tub, drying her body off and forgoing the pajama set Blair had left out for her. She buttons to blue shirt back on but leaves the leggings. She'll put the set on tomorrow before breakfast so Henry doesn't see her in just a shirt. She curls into herself underneath to comforter crying. 

She's not sure why. There are hundreds of reasons for her to choose from. Her marriage being over. How toxic the marriage had truly been. How she felt like her mother, one marriage down, god knows how many more to go. Nate. Nate. Nate. 

She falls asleep with the shirt bunch tightly in her fist. 

* * *

 "Nate called me last night," Blair says as she flips through the magazine. She had offered to take Serena on a pampering day. Something to relax and rejuvenate. Serena rolls her eyes, it had probably just been a way for Blair to get details. "Asked about our lunch plans this weekend." Serena chokes on her water. She had never gotten back to Nate, she assumed he would just forget her idea of all four of them getting together. Blair smirks as Serena pats her chest to try and breathe easier.

"He did?" 

"He said he hadn't heard from you about, but assumed it was just because you were busy." Blair finally looks up and raises her an eyebrow. "I told him you had been so busy planning it that telling him slipped your mind. We're having dinner tomorrow at seven p.m." 

Serena freezes. She hadn't see Nate since Henry's party last year and before he pathetic attempt at a phone call, she hadn't spoken to him in four months. She wonders what he'll say when he sees her. If he'll still have that sparkle in his eyes he always had when looking at her. 

"I called him the other night. After Dan kicked me out." Serena whispers, looking around. Her impending divorce wasn't a secret, but the gossip was in the Upper East was insidious. The last thing she needed was rumors of her spiraling around. "I thought- I don't know what I thought. I just wanted to hear his voice." 

Blair nods and Serena feels the guilt course through her veins. Nate had been Blair's first. He was always supposed to be Blair's. Sometimes Serena wonders what would have had happened if they hadn't slept together at the wedding. If they had never crossed that line, would everything be different? Would Blair have married Nate? 

"Don't." Blair's voice is cold. "Don't feel guilty about you and Nate. I'm not in love with him anymore." She's turned her attention back to the magazine and Serena's eyes are glistening. "But-"

"No." Blair looks up, her eyes are hard. "Listen, what you and Nate did to me was fucked up. But, it was also good. Nate and I were never really in love, but we would have kept on pretending to please everyone. It wasn't fair to him or me." She takes a deep breath before linking her hand with Serena's. "Or you." 

"Me?" Serena asks. She and Nate had never dated. Sure there had always been a connection but before that night she had never thought there was a chance for them. Nate was supposed to end up with Blair. 

Blair rolls her eyes, "You. You and Nate had liked each other since we were little. Everyone knew it. When he had asked me to dance in the eighth grade it was only because you were going with Adam. When he kissed me, I kissed back because I knew it meant you couldn't have him. Something was finally mine." 

"Blair..." Serena trails off, unsure of what to say. She and Serena rarely talked about their shared affection for Nate. It had always been a sore subject, the turning point in their friendship. She loved Blair, but post-Nate them had never been the same. 

"I'm not sorry. Because you had him anyways." Blair laughs softly like it's the not worst thing you could ever do to your best friend. "I'm also not mad. Not anymore. Not in a long time. You and Nate have always been it, Serena. He knows that. Now you do too. It's only a matter of time before the stars align." 

Serena smiles and leans over to press a kiss to Blair's cheek. She wasn't sure if the stars would ever align for her and Nate, but she felt lighter knowing she hadn't screwed everything in her life up. 

* * *

She's waiting outside to greet Nate. Blair is inside wearing an ivy green dress and Chuck's bow-tie matches perfectly. Serena feels an envy as green as the dress. She wonders what it would be like if Dan had never come into the equation. If he had never been accidentally invited to that party. Would everything be different? A small part of her thinks she'd be every bit as wild now as she was in her teenage years. But, a small part of her hopes that in this alternate universe she'd be wearing yellow and Nate would be wearing a matching tie. 

( _"It's only a matter of time..."_ )

She snaps herself out of the daydream when a hand comes to rest on her twitching arm. She looks up at Nate, whose eyes are sparkling and smile is kind. She wants to kiss him. Instead, she pulls him into a tight hug, inhaling his cologne. It's different, much less strong and sweeter scent. She loves it. She loves the warmth and the comfort he has. It's a warmth she hasn't felt in, well, she isn't sure how long. Too long. 

She leans back and presses a kiss to his cheek. "I've missed you." She whispers before pulling away. 

Nate pulls her back and presses a kiss to her hair, "I've missed you too." He whispers just as quietly like it's a secret for just them. 

She pulls him towards their table where Blair and Chuck who stand up to greet him. Serena forces Nate to sit down next to her like they're in the second grade again. Only this time Blair isn't glaring with jealous eyes, she's staring with bright, hopeful ones. 

"How is everything?" Nate asks after they place their dinner orders. Blair gives the usual answer about how the next line is coming along nicely and how much Henry loves school. She mentions he can't wait to see everyone together again and how they should do Thanksgiving all together this year like they used to. 

Serena loves the idea. It had always been one of her favorite holidays. But Dan thought it would be awkward to invite everyone when they all still had cold feelings towards them, so they never did it anymore. They would visit Rufus and last year they flew to Jenny. 

Nate looks over at her, waiting for an answer. "It's fine." Blair kicks her shin softly and mouths ' _tell him_ ,' with wide eyes. Serena nods, "Actually, I'm getting divorced." Nate looks over at Blair and Chuck and Serena looks down at her twiddling thumbs. 

( _"We'll never be like our parents." Nate had just found out about his father and everything in his world seemed to be falling apart._

_Serena nods and links their hands together. Blair was visiting her dad so it was just the two of them. Serena selfishly thought that's how it's supposed to be._

_"Never." She promises._ ) 

She feels like she had broken her promise to Nate. After all, wasn't loveless marriage and divorce Lily's specialty?

Nate takes her hand in his and rubs his thumb across the back of it, "Want me to punch him?"

She laughs. It's such a high school thing to say. Something he would have whispered into her hair after she interrupted his and Blair's date nights with crocodile tears and champagne. He had always protected her. 

"Not yet." He laughs in return. Something bright that makes Serena's heart beat faster. 

He doesn't let go of her hand until their food comes. Serena tries not to think too much into it.

* * *

 

Her feet are draped across Nate's lap and his hand is resting on her shin. She has a glass of wine in her hand and he had given her one of his shirts to wear to bed. It's so domestic that Serena might cry. This is what she had always wanted. 

( _"Do you need a ride home?" Nate offers. Serena frowns, she doesn't have a home. She had been staying at Chuck and Blair's since the night Dan had kicked her out. She had been looking for apartments, but nothing was her's yet._

_She looks over at Chuck and Blair, who are waiting by their car. "I'm staying with Chuck and Blair until I have my own place again." Nate looks over his shoulder and Chuck smirks at him._

_"Stay with me tonight. I'm sure they could use some alone time." Nate winks and Serena shoves his chest softly while laughing. Before she can answer he turns around, "Serena's gonna stay with me tonight."_

_Blair looks at Serena questioning and Serena nods. '_ It's okay. _' She mouths. Blair nods her head before pulling Chuck into the car. Nate turns back to Serena and smiles brightly before pulling her towards his car_.)

"Do you mind if I ask what happened?" 

Serena looks over at him and shrugs, "Have you ever read  _A Doll's House_?" Nate nods. "I felt like Nora. Like I was some kind of prize Dan had won. And maybe that's not fair to him, maybe I held him too high in my mind. But, I don't think Dan was ever going to see me as his equal or that I was ever going to feel like I was. And I got sick of being a doll." Serena swirls her wine in the glass and avoids eye contact. 

 "You're not a doll, Serena." 

( _"You're the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I've ever met."_ )

His voice is fierce. He runs his hand up Serena's shin until it's resting on her knee and she finally looks up at him again. They smile at each other and Serena feels whole for a second. 

This is what she always wanted.

* * *

"If you're not busy this weekend would you help me pack my stuff?" Serena is gnawing on her lip. She hadn't asked Nate about the girl she had heard in the background of their phone call and he hadn't mentioned a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Blair and Chuck are out of town this weekend and she worries Nate will have plans. She's worried that she'll be forced to go and do this alone. 

Dan had texted her that he wanted her stuff out and she had luckily just signed the lease on her new apartment. He said he was gonna be out of town this weekend for a book signing and that he wanted her to get her stuff and leave her key. 

"Of course." Nate doesn't hesitate and Serena lets out a sigh of relief. "When?" 

"Saturday. Dan is going out of town." 

"I'll pick you up Saturday morning." Serena nods but doesn't respond and Nate doesn't say anything more. They sit on the phone in silence, but it's not awkward. It's comfortable. "I've gotta go. I'll see you this weekend, Serena." 

Serena nods again and lets Nate hang up on her. She holds the phone close to her chest and sighs. 

Nate picks her up at eight a.m on Saturday morning. He already has a coffee for her and he mentions there are boxes in the truck for her stuff. "The moving guys will be tomorrow to pick everything up and then drop it off. You can stay with me tonight since you're apartment isn't ready yet."

Serena doesn't mention that she had bought a bed. She could technically stay there. It was lonely though. It wasn't really hers yet, at least that's what she said to justify her agreeing to stay with Nate. 

They spend hours going through her side of the closet, organizing clothes by season and she gives up packing shoes and accessories by season. They don't have time. They leave the boxes in the closet and Serena makes her way to the kitchen. Dan left a list of everything that was hers and she hands it to Nate as she begins to pack away to few kitchen products she had bought in hopes spending time together. 

Nate works on the living room, the list for there is much smaller. A few trinkets and pieces of artwork that Dan has already taken down and put by the door. He flops down onto the couch as Serena comes out of the kitchen. She falls down next to him and lays her head on his shoulder. 

She hadn't realized how tired she had been until she closes her eyes and then can barely open them again. Nate throws an arm around her shoulder and pulls her closer. They fall asleep tangled together on Dan's couch and Serena doesn't feel the least bit guilty. 

"Really?" His voice is mean. Serena's eyes shoot open and she looks around. It's daylight and Nate is still asleep next to her. Dan stands in front of them with a hand on his hip and a cold expression. 

Serena sits up straight, "Sorry. We must have fallen asleep after packing." Dan rolls his eyes and turns, storming toward the kitchen. Serena slips out of Nate's grasp and carefully leaves him in his spot. "I thought you were gone all weekend." 

"The event was canceled." Dan takes in the almost bare kitchen. "Is this why you wanted a divorce? You're fucking Nate again?" He scoffs and the words sting Serena more than should. She had never cheated on Dan while they were married. She would never do that, she wasn't that person anymore. 

"No!" She shakes her head and grips the counter to steady herself. "We're just friends. I needed help packing, I couldn't do it alone." She explains. 

He rolls his eyes, "It's always been him. You've never stopped comparing me to him."

Serena doesn't say anything. She doesn't think she can lie to him anymore. She doesn't need to. "I'm sorry it ended this way." 

There's a knock at the door and Serena scurries away. She allows the three men to come and points out where all the boxes are, "I'll meet you guys at the apartment." She smiles kindly before turning to Nate. He's awake now, sitting up and smiling softly at her. It drops when Dan comes out into the living room. Serena pulls Nate from the couch and silently they grab their coats and shoes. 

They escape the apartment in minutes and Nate takes her hand in his as they stroll through the lobby of the building. 

"That was awkward." He laughs and Serena nods, unable to get his words out of her mind.

( _"You've never stopped comparing me to him."_ )

* * *

 

"Do you miss him?" She's a little drunk but so is Nate. He tangled their feet together under the table and Serena feels seventeen again. Her smile falls and she shrugs.

"Maybe." She thinks about it. "I think I miss the routine. I became so used to what my life was I'm kind of unsure of how to continue. I don't really miss him though. I stopped missing him a year and a half into our marriage."

Nate nods and takes another sip of wine. 

* * *

 

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Serena blurts out. They're walking home from dinner and their hands keep brushing up against one another and Serena can't stop thinking about the soft voice she heard in the background of their phone call months ago. 

Nate shakes his head. "No. I did, but we broke up." 

"When?" Serena doesn't smile. She doesn't want to be cruel, but she can't stop the butterflies from erupting in her stomach. 

"A couple days before I helped you move." Before Serena can ask why he finally interlocks her fingers and continues on, "I canceled dinner to help you. She thinks I did it because I'm still hung up on you." 

"Oh." Serena feels a weight on her shoulders. Was he? Were all these dates and all the hand holding platonic? Was Nate just being a good friend? They had grown up together. All of them had always been touchy friends. Had Serena read too much into this? 

Nate stops walking and turns towards her, the look in his eyes reminds her of when he begged her not to go with Tripp.

( _"Don't go. Don't go with Tripp."_

 _"Please, don't get in the car. Just stay here with me."_ ) 

She shuts her eyes tight, "Nate." Her voice is weak. She regretted that decision almost every day. She loved Nate. She had always loved Nate. Getting in that car was one of the worst decisions she had ever made. She had broken Nate and yet, he still showed up at the hospital.

He still helped her pack her things. 

"Nate. Nate. Nate." She whispers like a mantra. She pulls him in and hugs him tight. It's like she's begging and she doesn't know what for. "I'm so sorry." 

Nate laughs tightly, "For what?" 

"For not choosing you. I should've always chosen you." 

"Sere-"

"No." Serena pulls back and looks in his eyes. "You deserve better than me. You always have. Everybody knows it. I'm a mess of mommy and daddy issues and you've always been the good thing in life, even when you weren't. And that Thanksgiving, I wanted so badly to stay with you. But I didn't and I'll always regret that. And, when I married Dan I knew it was all wrong. That it wasn't the future meant for me. For us. And I'm sorry I did all those things to you. I'm sorry I always run away. And I don't deserve you, I don't deserve you waiting for me. I never have."

She takes a take breath. 

"It's okay to say no to this. To us. You've been burned so many times in this relationship I'm surprised you even want to be friends. But-" Before she can even ask Nate's hands on her cheeks and his mouth is on her's. 

They kiss and it's messy and both of them are smiling so it's more teeth than anything, but it's probably the best kiss Serena's ever had. The wind blows against them and she feels her hair moving wildly and Nate's coat is making a flapping sound and it's the best thing to ever happen to her. 

* * *

 

"I always thought about you," Serena admits one night. She's blushing and Nate is pressing kisses to her bare shoulder while running one hand up her thigh. It's nothing like being in bed with Dan was. It's happy. It's warm. Serena never kisses Nate to shut him up. She always tells him she loves him too. 

"When?" Nate asks, oblivious to the meaning of her worlds. Serena smiles sadly, "With him. I always shut my eyes and thought about you. My first. My best. My favorite." 

Nate pulls away from her shoulder and looks at her. His eyes are sad, "Serena." 

"Sorry. I killed the mood. I just, I don't know, I wanted you to know. I never stopped loving you." Nate stares before pulling her on top of him. She laughs as he leans up and presses kisses down her neck and in between her breasts before leaning up and capturing her lips in a kiss. 

"I love you," Nate whispers.

"I love you too." 

* * *

_"I'll always come back to you."_

_"I know."_

**Author's Note:**

> And they lived happily ever after. Marriage. Kids. A happy family. Everything they deserved together.
> 
> The quote, in the beginning, is from the show and the quote at the end is something I wrote.
> 
> Mentioned is A Doll's House (1879) by Henrik Ibsen. I adore this play. If you're looking for a good, but simple read, I recommend it.


End file.
